Family Communication: An Educational Model By Amim Azimi April-Sept. 1999 Lemar-Aftaab Introduction: Recently, I traveled to San Francisco for a family visit and to appear on Radio 24 Hours Voice of Afghanistan. Because of prior commitments, I was able to attend only a couple of interviews with Giti and Mizgon Zahir. The topics of discussion for the program I was interviewed were related to culture, family issues, and the psychological difficulties Afghans have faced since coming to America. I was greatly impressed by Giti and Mizgon. They are both dynamic young Afghan girls striving to steer Afghan youth and their families onto a healthy path. Mizgon is only fifteen years old, yet she has her own radio program. The most impressive thing about Mizgon is that, while she was born in America, she is a typical Afghan girl who speaks both Dari and English perfectly, and she is knowledgeable about Afghan culture. This happy, bright young girl is so sensitive and so protective of her native culture that one gets the impression that she is ready any minute to sacrifice herself for the people of her country. One can see in her sparkling dark eyes sincerity and the love of her homeland. To know this poet, artist, writer, and leader of Afghan youth makes one proud of being an Afghan. Today, in America, most young Afghans Mizgon's age don't have an adequate understanding of their culture and having difficulty speaking their native language. One may ask: "Why is Mizgon so different?" As I indicated in my previous discussions and articles, as a psychologist I can't ignore the importance of family role in the development of cultural identity and healthy personality. There must be strong figures in Mizgon's life who like a good gardener have planted and nurtured in her mind the seed of ethnic identity, Afghan culture, love of homeland, and deep love for Afghan people. Of course, like Mizgon, there are thousands of other young Afghan girls, perhaps just as bright as she is, who may never have gotten the kind of encouragement, and reinforcement from their families to take a leadership role and to make themselves known. Since my return to Nashville, I have been receiving a large volume of e-mail from Radio 24 Hours Voice of Afghanistan listeners from different parts of the country. All of these e-mails are from Afghan women. They ask my advice about marriage and family problems. Some of these individual's family problems and the sorrow they have been experiencing are so sad that they will bring tears to anyone's eyes. One may wonder: "Why are not some of these Afghan men interested in their family affairs? Why are they allowing their families to suffer?" Perhaps, they are involved with personal activities outside of their homes, and consequently place all of the family responsibility on their wives. When things are going well in their family, they claim credit for it, but when unfortunate things happens, they quickly lay blame to their spouse and their children or society. Certainly, they don't see anything wrong with their behavior. They don't know or don't want to take responsibility for their family affairs. In my opinion, Afghan women are heroines and guardians of our families. These courageous women have demonstrated unmeasurable strength, devotion, and have made sacrifices throughout life for the welfare of their families. Afghan women are the strength and foundation of Afghan families. In order to preserve our culture and our heritage, we must make our family ties stronger to deal effectively with the outside threat. If children are alienated from their family, they may reject their culture and eventually abandon their traditional values and believes. Family Communication: This article is about family communication-- a matter many of the radio listeners have asked me to address. There is a major difference between family communication within a family setting and communication with the world at large. The stakes are a lot higher within the family. One can escape from conflicts at work, with a neighbor or a shopkeeper, but one can't get away from the family. One still has to go home every night. A family with chronic, poor communication becomes a pressure cooker. Each member is vulnerable to emotional devastation. The children especially, are susceptible to a range of physical and psychological symptoms. Families get into trouble when members are not allowed to express certain feelings, needs or awareness. When a child is judged or criticized by parents or other family members while the child is expressing his or her feeling and thoughts, this alone can create an inferior sense and low self- esteem for the child. For example, recently a young Afghan girl asked my advise about a situation when she speaks in the presence of her father, when other adults are there. Her father cuts her off and tells her in a sarcastic way not to speak while older adults are speaking. She feels embarrassed by her father's comments, but due to respect for her father she does not say anything and leaves the room. Perhaps, most Afghans can relate to her story. No wonder most of Afghans have public speaking difficulties. The roots of the problem originated in our family system. When family members are restricted from openly expressing themselves, they learn to deny what they are afraid to express. A person's need and feelings can be denied overtly or covertly. Overt denial involves statements such as "I don't care," "No problem," "I am fine." Covert denial is harder to spot, but often involves shrugging, speaking in a monotone or withdrawing contact. The message is "It doesn't matter, I don't feel anything." A person may learn to substitute feelings and indirectly express them toward a family member. For example, when a husband can't express anger toward his parents, he may attack his wife and children by calling them stupid. Because family members have rules about what can and can't be expressed, they are forced to communicate covertly. When a family member tries to interpret covert messages he or she is forced to mind read. They have to make a guess as to what the covert request or feelings really are. For example, a wife is late cooking dinner; her husband remarks that the house is dirty. Since he has deleted his feelings and needs about dinner being late, his wife may assume that he must be angry because her friends came for a visit earlier and her husband doesn't like them. All this guess results in just one thing--mistakes. If you are mind reading, you are going to be wrong a good percentage of time. You will respond to what you think is going on, rather than the real message. Your inappropriate response then creates a chain reaction. Understanding is an important ingredient in keeping family relationships alive. When family members understand each other, they increase their chances of working together well. Each family member has a good idea of what to expect from the other, and this creates a certain degree of predictability, which makes trust possible. The sense of being understood that develops also increases our connection because this usually means we care enough about each other to try to understand. The first rule for understanding each other is paying attention. Unless you pay attention to what your family is saying and doing, you simply will not be able to understand another family member very well. Most of us have habits which keep us from paying full attention to the other person. Often we are paying partial attention because we are rehearsing our own next speech, instead. At other times, as we listen, we mainly evaluate what the other person is saying, forming a judgment about whether it is right or wrong, good or bad, or whether we agree or disagree. Listening like this usually involves comparing our own viewpoint with the other person's. When we listen this way, we keep ourselves front and center, just as when we rehearse our next speech, and focus our attention more on our own experience than on the other person. The habit of listening with only one ear is hard to break, and it can have significant impact on your relationships with members of your family. Even though it's tough to break bad habits, we can learn to forget about our own speeches, suspend judgment, avoid comparisons, and just listen. Remember, full attention ,careful listening, your total presence is a precious gift you can give to your family. Listening is a gift that communicates care and concern. Careful listening involves paying attention to all sensory data coming in to you. Your family member's facial expression, body movement. Posture, and breathing rate all convey messages, as well as the words he or she speaks. Try to take in as much as data as you can because what you sense becomes the basis for your interpretation. To be an effective parent is to realize two things: that you are human being with problems and that your children are human beings with problems. As a human being, you have basic needs for food clothing, shelter, warmth, and affection, love and security, among others. As human beings, your children also have the same needs, and in trying to get their needs met, make mistakes. Then problems arise when needs are not met. Your children need to express important feelings and desires. They can't be denied, shamed, interrogated, or threatened away. Nor can they be ignored. If you as a parent fail to listen, the feeling may go underground or turn to confusion or rage. The feeling won't simply disappear. All too often, questions asked of children take on a badgering, cross-examining tone. Making simple statements instead of asking questions is a way of avoiding the temptation to cross-examine your child. Also, since questions require answers, they have a way of leading the conversation. When you make simple statements that can be conformed or denied, you allow your child to retain more of the conversation. Reward good behavior right away. Studies show that children learn best when they are rewarded or punished immediately following what they do. The longer you wait to express your reactions, the less impact you will have on your child's behavior. All your communication to a child should include the implication that he or she is basically a lovable, capable person. Blaming, name calling, and sarcasm communicate that the child, and not just his or her behavior, is not acceptable. The development of good self-esteem in your child very much depends on the messages you communicate. Consistent "you are bad" messages eventually create an "I am bad" self-concept. A commitment to non-judgment is a major step toward raising a healthy child. You need to be consistent with your children. For example, if you tell your son that he has to be in by six , but you only enforce the rule once in a while, you will find that your son habitually ignores the six o'clock deadline. Allow children to experience the consequences of misbehavior. Most family disclosure is a one-way street. Parents know everything about their children, but children know almost nothing about their parent's inner lives. Letting your child in on some of the things you feel and want makes you a real person. Effective communication is based on respect for your child. Your message must be that your child is lovable and good. Children need to hear from you when they have done well. You can object to specific behaviors without rejecting the essential value of your child. You have time to change old patterns and correct mistakes. Children are amazingly forgiving and will respond to your efforts. It's never too late. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - About the Author: Dr. Amin Azimi Other work by Dr. Amin Azimi: The Effects Of Depression On The Family: A Cultural Perspective Jan-March 1999 arezo (poem) Jan-March 1999 Culture, Family, School: Where Does East Meets West? (article) Oct-Dec.1998 yaar-e dourang (poem) Oct-Dec.1998 Family, Culture, and the Generation Gap: A Communication Model (article) July-Sept. 1998 tofaan-e shab (poem) July-Sept. 1998 yaar-o-bahaar (poem) April-June 1998 goft ba khod(poem) April-June 1998 Ethnicity: The Foundation of Identity (article) Jan.-Dec. 1998 The Poetry of Dr. Amin Azimi (English)July-Aug. 1997 Copyright © 1999 Aftaabzad Publications. All Rights Reserved. May not be duplicated or distributed in any form without permission.