ADOLESCENCE begins with the onset of puberty, and extends to the achievement of adulthood. In some non-industrialized societies,
puberty signals the beginning of adulthood; adolescence does not exist. As soon as puberty indicates that individuals are capable of
sexual reproduction, they assume adult status and roles. Even in Europe and North America in the 19th Century, the interlude
between childhood and adulthood was very brief or non-existent, and adolescence as we now know it, did not exist. Twentieth-century, Western culture, however, withholds adult status for several years after puberty, creating the period we call adolescence.
Adolescent identity struggles are probably not the same in all cultures. Eastern cultures may provide a smoother transition to adulthood by placing less emphasis on autonomy and individualism. Western cultures on the other hand, stress autonomy, and personal identity and the need to break away from the family as soon as possible. It is this emphasis in Western cultures that likely sets the stage for the adolescent struggle during this time of transition.
The Afghan youth growing up in America are enjoying the benefits of being bi-culture, flexible and open-minded. The choices this society provides for them in return create ample opportunities for them to excel in every arena of life, regardless of their socio-economics status.
Unlike back in Afghanistan, in this country adolescents are able to earn money, attend the school of their choice, and eventually move onto a more independent life, free from the control of their parents. The socio-economic climate of Afghan society back in Afghanistan always fostered dependency on the family, which in return did not facilitate the opportunity for adolescents to practice emotional and economic independence. This dependency for some lasted throughout their life.
In addition to the traditional family values, today Afghan adolescents are acquiring new values from this society. These unique new skills, coupled with knowledge, and family values cultivate a climate of growth and new opportunities. Parents must understand that their teenagers may not go through a proper path without their wise and unbiased direction. Teenagers need protection and support. With a fresh attitude, and interest, parents must invest in the future of their children, so this will open a path of success for them. Healthy communication along with a message of friendship from parents enhances self-esteem, which in return creates courage and solid determination in a child.
However, there can be a downside to living in their new country for Afghan adolescents or any adolescent for that matter. In the U.S. adolescence seems to be a turbulent time for both parents and teenagers. It is a time when children, who just yesterday were sweet and loving, may turn into unmanageable beings. Two important points for parents to understand about teenagers who are sometimes rude and come across as disrespectful are (a) their behavior is normal and (b) the personality change is not permanent.
Adolescents generally don't exhibit a lot of control over their actions during their teens. After all, one of the primary developmental tasks of adolescence is to separate from the family. However, adolescents don't recognize this. All they know is that their parents don't understand them, annoy them, and have unreasonable expectations from them. The fact is, most parents don't understand their teenagers. One day, their sons and daughters bring them flowers, the next day they are rolling their eyes and telling their parents they want to be left alone. The teenage social situation is a particularly difficult one, since they live simultaneously in two worlds, that of a child and that of an adult in a kind of marginal or overlapping status, not knowing where they belong.
All at once they have many new urgent, conflicting demands put upon them: choosing a vocation; achieving some independence from family; coping with strong forbidden sexual impulses, and conflicts arising in association with their peer groups. Furthermore, teenagers are more open to new experiences and ideas and more vulnerable in their thinking. Adolescents have many opportunities to acquire new attitudes, customs, and value systems. Consequently, during this time, adolescents have opinions, attitudes and values that may be radically different from those of their parents.
Parents today tend to think that their teenagers are more advanced than adolescents were in the past because they have a lot more information available to them, but what they dont understand is that todays adolescents aren't any more mature emotionally. They are at the same emotional place their parents were when they were twelve or thirteen.
One of the most important roles of parents during adolescence is to teach their children independence. For example: young people need to be encouraged by parents to use their imagination, make choices, and be able to explain their own opinions and understand their life options with parents remaining as a back-up guide to clarify things for them. But even as they are letting go of control, parents should know that adolescents need almost as much attention as any three-year old. Teenagers tend to jump into things they may not be emotionally prepared to jump into. They get scared. They need the family, and they need their independence at the same time. For them, the family represents safety, but it also represents confinement as they search for their own path in life.
It is obvious that puberty involves major bodily changes: the transition to adulthood requires a range of adaptations; and the teenage years are associated with a substantial rise in emotional difficulties. Adolescence tends to be the time when young people have their first love relationship. This may well be a source of great pleasure but early loves tend to be short-lived, and the pains and stresses of broken love relationships and of rebuffs and rivalries can be quite considerable.
It is not only love relationships that bring a complex mixture of pain and happiness. Same sex-friendships also tend to become more intense over teenage years and change somewhat in quality. Childhood friendships tend to be focused on shared activities. During adolescence, there is a greater concern over reciprocity and loyalty, and over emotional sharing and exchange of confidences. On the whole, this emotional intimacy is more marked in girls than in boys. Girls also differ from boys in being more likely to have relatively exclusive same-sex friendships. As a result, tensions and rivalries tend to be more common among teenage girls than boys.
During their teens, many young people become moody and difficult and often clash with their parents over hairstyle, dress, curfew, and type of friends. However, in the majority of families, these stresses occur against the background of a generally good parent-adolescent relationship.
A continuing reliance by young people on their parents for advice and support on major issues--in spite of a degree of rebelliousness and independence on a number of minor matters--still exists. Indeed, these disagreements may have positive effects. In most cases, they are a reflection of psychological growth rather than dysfunction.
Adolescents need to develop autonomy and their own way of thinking and behaving, and it is in a real sense necessary to have some battles with their parents in order for this to happen. Most teenagers maintain close ties with their parents while simultaneously gaining greater independence. This shouldn't be viewed as detachment or that the parent-child closeness is disintegrating. Of course, some adolescents are seriously at odds with their families; however, it is important to recognize that these constitute a minority, generally with psychological difficulties and/ or strained family relationships such as divorce. Professional help in this case is essential.
Adolescence is an opportune time for parents to communicate their value system to their kids. Often, parents are not clear about what they want to teach their kids. Teenagers may not adopt their parents' values right then and there, but they probably will later. Young people will emulate what their parents do more than responding to what they say. They watch how their parents treat each other. Adolescent girls watch their mother's relationship with their father and learn what to expect of themselves as women and how women behave in relationships. They are watching and absorbing, without even being aware of it. And that is why this period is especially challenging for parents, because they are being observed and, usually, criticized. After all adolescents are experts on their parents.
One of the most important aspects of adolescence for parents to understand is that the experiences of their adolescent are very intense and short term. For the adolescent, it's as if there is no future. What is happening now is what is and what will be forever. They have no sense that they are going through an emotional low, that it will pass. They can only learn this through experience, which they have not yet had the opportunity to gain. Knowing this helps parents understand when a teenager blows up over something that seems trivial, and then, an hour later acts as if nothing ever happened. Events are vital at the moment they are occurring, but typically they soon pass and are forgotten.
One of the major roles for parents is to help their teenagers learn to tolerate anxiety. Parents often feel they should protect their children from anxiety. However, young people cannot develop any confidence unless they learn to tolerate anxiety, failure, fear, hurt and anger. Parents should communicate to their children that they, as adults, don't like certain feelings either, but they have learned to manage these feelings when they arise. If parents rush in and try to solve problems for their children, they can actually handicap them.
Some teenagers need tight structure, limits and rules, which can ease as they exhibit their ability to handle responsibility and their emotions. Often, adolescents who are acting out are doing this as a way of asking for parental structure. Of course, lack of proper communication makes the acting-out difficult to understand. Limits need to be set in stages, with clear beginning and ending dates. The forty-eight hour rule works. Whatever limits parents set--whether it is being grounded, staying off the phone or the internet--should only last forty-eight hours.
So, if restricted adolescents are on their parents' back relentlessly, parents know they can survive forty-eight hours without giving in. Parents should know the nagging they receive from their adolescent is good practice for the teenagers. They are learning to negotiate, and that is what adults do every day. Some parents try to win over their adolescents by letting the teenagers set the limits. However, that is not helpful. If parents are scared to set limits, they should only imagine what it's like for their child who does not have as much experience, and
lacks problem solving skills. Consistency is essential. Parents must be persistent and follow their own rules consistently; otherwise, their attempts will not be successful.
Adolescence is a good time for parents to sit down and talk with their children. It is helpful for parents to tell adolescents they are getting older, and they are going to face more complicated situations. They should let them know life is going to get harder and reassure them that they are there for them to fall back on when they run into difficult situations. It is helpful for parents to understand adolescence as a learning process in which each incident is a step forward or backward rather than an end in itself. There are many headaches involved in parenting teenagers, but hopefully there is also the excitement of watching the child emerge into a mature young adult. It is fun to watch the incredible spontaneity of
teenagers, to actually see their thinking develop and expand. They start dealing with abstraction, and they can start making coherent arguments. The rewards are wonderful.
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Dr. Amin Azimi
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