By Dr. Amin Azimi
January-March 2000
Lemar-Aftaab
Children come in all shapes and sizes, each with their own individual
personality. Consequently, there is a wide variation in how they react to
different types of social situations.
Some children may be very outgoing
while others are very quiet. One child, upon seeing another child may react
by shutting his/her mouth and not even wanting to tell the other person
their name. Just as differently, another child will take the initiative and
approach other children and invite them to come and play, ask them what
their hobbies are or become instant "best friends." Another child in the
same situation may become cold and distant, angry and hostile, or physically
and verbally abusive.
Quiet children are often quiet because they have been trained to be that
way. Some quiet or aggressive children have been ridiculed and beaten down
verbally every time they speak. One of the main reasons children are quiet
is due to feelings of insecurity. The child feels that no one particularly
wants him around, loves him or cares about him.
This is unfortunate. When
he was a helpless baby, he needed physical and emotional care. As he grows
he still needs emotional care in the form of verbal feedback and physical
affection from family and friends. The absence of verbal and physical
caring can be very detrimental to his emotional well being.
What causes a child to suffer from low self-esteem?
Most low self-esteem
stems from unfortunate childhood experiences. The destructive lifestyle of
parents with low self-esteem is a model for the child. Low self-esteem
parents have a compulsive need to find fault with everyone and
everything--especially their own spouse or child.
Criticism and condemnation
by parents is, by far, the most common and the most destructive cause of low
and crippling self-esteem. The longer the criticism continues, the more a
child doubts, until he begins to believe that he is not able to do anything
right. He accepts another's belief that he is inadequate, regardless of the
facts in the situation.
The reality is that the child is can act only as
wisely as his prevailing awareness permits. A child's lack of recognition
and appreciation by parents as an intrinsically valuable and important
individual, (for example, "A child should be seen and not heard," "Father
knows best," and other statements) tend to render the child
invisible. The child's needs, feelings, desires, and opinions are not
given due consideration.
Another major characteristic of low self-esteem children is that they feel
unable to do many of the things that they want to do. They may feel that
their speech, physical appearance, reading ability, athletic prowess and
ability to make friends are all deficient. They, unfortunately, have
learned that many of their attempts to speak, read or talk to people have
either been ignored by the people they were trying to impress, or perhaps
were even outright criticized and ridiculed.
Many parents, friends, and
teachers have unwittingly participated in the development of low self-esteem
in a child through these types of interactions. The child feels inadequate
because he is not encouraged and motivated to be independent, to do what he
can do for himself, in other words, to take responsibility for his own needs
and well-being to the greatest extent of his ability as he increases in age
and experience. The child is not taught to think for himself.
The false concepts, values and reactions of the child's parents, teachers
and peers cause him to identify with his actions. For example, Ahmad, whose
mother has severe headaches, is a "bad boy," because he slammed the door.
In reality, it was the child's natural exuberance and lack of awareness that
caused the act. For the child, identification with his/her actions rather
than recognizing that their actions are but the means they choose to fulfill
their needs, causes their mistakes to make them feel inadequate, unworthy
and inferior, or--worse still--fills them with self-condemnation, shame,
guilt and remorse.
Harsh and demanding parents set unreasonable standards,
often raising them before the child has developed the ability to meet them.
Parents may also subject their children to unreasonable, harsh criticism and
undue and/or inconsistent punishment. Such actions cause early frustration,
defeatism, and a destructive sense of inadequacy and inferiority.
Furthermore, being pushed beyond his capacity by the parents' vicarious need
to achieve a sense of worth and importance through the child's achievements,
often causes a deep feeling of inadequacy and unworthiness in the child.
Repeated defeats and failures can destroy the child's sense of self-worth
and result in one or two extremes: The child may become a dropout from
school or society, or he may become a compulsive "overachiever" in a
desperate attempt to prove himself. Today, in our society, there are many
well educated, bright people, that despite their extreme successes suffer
from poor self-esteem. Some may abuse alcohol or drugs or become addicted to
other unhealthy behaviors in order to deal with their feelings of
inadequacy.
Another cause of low self-esteem is related to overemphasis on money,
achievement and things, rather than on the individual and his innate worth.
This can preclude or destroy the child's self-esteem. Over-possessiveness,
over-permissiveness and over-control, exercised by one or both parents
nurtures a feeling of unimportance and lack of esteem in the child.
What can parents do to help?
The parent's attitude may need to change
drastically or perhaps only slightly from disliking the child to liking the
child, from seeing only the awkwardness to seeing potential for
self-confidence, from seeing only the dependency on the parents to seeing
the beginning signs of independence. Parents must begin to change their
actions and reactions toward the child. This calls for setting up small
graduated steps to achieve rather than expecting too much progress too fast.
When the child is able to master the small steps, provide praise and other
social encouragements to him as frequently as can be arranged. For example,
if Ahmad has trouble speaking to other people, be particularly sensitive
toward listening to him and conversing pleasantly with him during such
conversations. Even an adult does not want to talk to someone who
constantly ignores him or makes disparaging remarks in response to his
comments.
Another example is that if a child is unsure of himself playing
sports, he may eventually need to learn to accept this limitation of
himself, but in the meantime the parent can help by not expecting too much
of him and look only for small signs of progress. If the child cannot catch
a ball, then his father can brag on him for throwing it. If he cannot throw
it, he can kick it, let him run. If he can't run, then at least brag on him
for being able to fall on the ground or carpet and roll about freely with joy with his father.
Many parents may love their children, but they don't create the time to pay
attention to them. Children need certain fundamental skills to develop
strong inner selves. These skills don't always just click in at the
appropriate age. Every child has some core attributes that seem to come
naturally, but other skills need work and nurture.
Low self-esteem or a good self-esteem begins through one's childhood
experiences. Children can learn to be more outgoing, more self-confident and
surer of themselves. They need emotional support from their parents and
feelings of competency in their activities.
If these principles are applied
early enough and consistently, almost any child can be helped to overcome
feelings of inadequacy, and learn more self-reliant ways of interacting with
other people and the world.
About the Author:
Dr. Amin Azimi
Other work by Dr. Amin Azimi:
