Lemar-Aftaab - Oct-Dec. 1997 - Articles - Striving For Inner Strength

Striving For Inner Strength

By Sonia Rahel

Dear reader, this column is not about politics or blood shed in Afghanistan. Not that I am underestimating the importance of that, but that my interest lies greatly on the issues surrounding our youth in these Nations. I came to US at age fourteen. Twelve years have passed. But the adjustment period is still ongoing. This includes cultural, religion, and peer adjustment.

When I first arrived in New York I thought "Oh boy, let me out of here. " I found it difficult to make friends and relate to the other students. I thought that they were crazy. My only safety zone was with my brother. He was the only familiar face. I went to a stage of depression. I cried for days and missed my friends in Afghanistan greatly. It was a great shock to my system to see how other students treated the teachers, how the peers related to one another. And you know what really got my attention was the facial and body gestures (rolling eyes) used in communicating with one another along with the use of curse words.

Despite the difficulties that I faced in this great transition processes, I was supported by my immediate family. I was lucky to have parents and a brother that were very open minded and education oriented. They understood what I was going through and gave me lots of validation and comfort. However there is always this feeling of hallow and emptiness when I think back to my beautiful friends and school peers back home. However, I didn't allow these feelings to make me vulnerable to peer pressure or desperate to make friends. I figured that I will make the kind of friends who like me for who I am. I refused to do drugs or go out with every guy I met to receive fame. I maintained to inner strength through hard work and dedication to education.

I majored in Psychology mainly to heal others who were going through similar adjustment process as a teenager. After having received my Master's degree in Psychology, almost two years ago, I continued to work with adolescent issues. It didn't bother me that I was working with another community rather than the "Afghan Community" until I was invited to a friend's house in Fremont, Ca. This was the first time that most of them had seen me and the introduction by my friend included the following: "she works with teenagers in trouble and in drugs and gangs..." She was suddenly interrupted by two other mothers who wanted to know why I don't work with the Afghan teenagers in Fremont.

"Bachi ma besiar ba komak zarorat darad (my child needs a lot of help)." one of them said. I felt a great amount of guilt.

"Yeah, what am I doing in San Jose," I thought.

This is why I decided to write this article and start to introduce Afghan families to teenage problems and issues. My interest is mostly in working with teenagers. I believe that in most families they are misunderstood and forced to accept certain rituals and traditions that don't always make sense (i.e. forced arranged marriages.) I might be opening a can of worms when I say this, but I am open to other arguments with valid and rational basis to them. I think that we need to try to befriend our teens, with set boundaries of course, and hear their side.

I know that almost every Afghan teenager that came to this country or any other nations can really relate to the above mentioned cultural shocks. I felt shattered due to mixed messages and values received from my parents and the outside world. Now that I had to understand respect and value what my parents said and at the same time make friends and try to fit in. Fitting in and being accepted by others when from a different cultural with an Afghan accent is not easy. This requires extended effort and hard work. It causes one to become highly sensitive to ethical comments and prejudice. What is important to keep in mind that we do come across intelligent and less ignorant people who are open to learning about new cultures and people.

I personally think that it is wonderful to be from a different country and culture, because we have a newer and more elaborate view of life. I want the readers to view this as a positive aspect of their lives rather than negative.

It hurts me to overhear our young Afghans declare shame on themselves and their parents for being Afghans. I have overheard young Afghan girls say that they wish they were Americans. I personally believe that inner strength and inner beauty comes from accepting and loving who you truly are, not from denying your true self. I take pride in where I was born and who I am. Do not allow the Afghan politics and war overshadow the strength and warmth that so many of us carry within us. And this strength is rare in the American society. Love thyself and other fellow Afghans IGNORE THE POLITICS!