10-6-1997 – Paris, France – Monday (One) Well tomorrow is the big day. I got my tickets to Pakistan and a Pakistani visa. Now I just have to schlep my stuff to the airport and hope that I don't go over the weight restriction of 20 kilos. If I do I'll chuck a couple of shampoo bottles away. Apparently British Airways aren't too strict. Unfortunately, I was given an antenna to carry to Afghanistan. It is not heavy, but it is pretty bulky.

It's raining really hard for the first time. It just started a little while ago. I hope it is not a bad omen. Good thing I'm not too superstitious.

10-8-1997 – Peshawar, Pakistan – Wednesday (Two) Well it was quite a journey to Pakistan. First of all AICF gave me a radio antenna to carry to Pakistan. So I rode 2 metro trains and the RER to Charles d Gaulle airport. I kept hitting people in the head and getting the door slammed on the antenna. Then I had 4 flights Paris-London- Manchester-Islamabad-Peshawar. That was a lot of fun. Well, 1 ½ days later, I'm here in Peshawar. I'll be leaving for Kabul on Saturday by road.

In Peshawar I am staying at the AICF compound C. It is very warm here. Unfortunately, it is supposed to be very cold at night in Kabul.

I have a large room…private bath, nice hot water and a flush toilet. The food has been really good: yogurt salad with cucumber and garlic.

I really did nothing but sleep and shower and eat since I arrived. One very good thing is that the email system was working today—for the first time in more than 2 months.

10-9-1997 – Peshawar, Pakistan – Thursday (Three) I slept until 11 am today and feel pretty caught up on my sleep. I didn't do very much today except read Newsweek, the newspaper, some French lessons….

The weather is really warm and nice. I haven't ventured out so I know nothing of Peshawar other than the AICF compound.

10-10-1997 – Peshawar, Pakistan – Friday (Four) Another really boring day. I woke up, showered, ate, studied French, then ate again, napped a coupe of times and packed my bags. Tomorrow we will leave at 8:30 am. I'm ready. I have my scarves to cover my hair.

The road is supposed to be quite beautiful between here and Kabul (which I keep calling Cubal). I hope to take some pictures.

10-12-1997 – Kabul, Afghanistan – (Five) After about 8 hours on the road yesterday, we arrived in Kabul. Right now there are about 11 people living in the house and I am sharing a room with another MD, Marie a gynecologist.

Where should I begin? I'm the only non-French speaker although everyone is quite competent in English. It is somewhat alienating.

The work is going to be rough. I visited one Hospital. They fired two male doctors from there last month and left 2 females. They have some very shaky practices: IV iron, "Melendez doesn't work", iron causes diarrhea, no IV's with any dextrose. The next hospital wasn't quite as bad. The problem seems to be the default level. Most of the mothers aren't willing to wait for response of their children's recovery. I will have to carefully figure out the priorities to get a good idea about what to do with the project.

10-19-1997 – Kabul, Afghanistan – (Six) How to begin? I have been very negligent about writing, so I have time today. I will try to make up for it.

The people – Ex Pats A. Marie – Belgian Gynecologist B. Monique – Medical Coordinator C. Ben – Head of mission D. Phillipe – Administrator E. Gilles – Logistician F. Marie Lourde – Nurse – Nutritionist G. Elorde – Nutritionist H. Emmanuele – Canadian – Health Education I. Vincens – Sanitation J. Erick – Logistician

Working directly with me is Dr.Latif who is a young pediatrician. He is very knowledgeable about pediatrics, nutrition and he worked for 4 years in India Ghandhi hospital, and so he knows the stuff very well.

It is very strange here. I cannot drive or walk in the streets. Once Marie leaves, I will have my own driver and radio. For now I must borrow these things everyday.

Today the vice director of Ataturk hospital has asked me to have all of the pictures painted on the walls of children and animals painted over because the Taliban has asked him a number of times and he is frightened. He was trying to cross them out with magic marker. It is a bit unbelievable. He was very nervous. I think they have threatened him.

I don' t know if I'm happy or not here. I think I can work very will with Dr.Latif to improve the conditions in the hospitals, etc. The life however is very difficult and the weather is getting a bit cold. I am excluded from most conversations at the house because of my inability to speak French. I am getting no exercise because of the security restrictions.

The positive end is that I will probably learn some French in the time I am here. Latif is good.

The food is okay. No diarrhea so far. I am pretty independent to make some changes within the hospital and MCH structures. I am given $150 per month, which is a lot here for personal expenses, and I can probably get $200 from Paris to buy some warm cloths. The staff at the hospitals seems very receptive to me. There is no water most of the time.

The thing that I must think about is if our presence here benefits the Taliban so much that it outweighs the good I feel I can do for the people. We are after all working in Taliban controlled Kabul and now supporting their hospitals and clinics and paying taxes to them that go to buy arms.

10-23-1997 – Kabul, Afghanistan – (Seven) Today Elodie and I went to a mine awareness program sponsored by OMAR. First there was a lecture for 2 hours. Then we drove to a minefield and walked around and watched the deminers remove mines with metal detectors. We watched 3 mine explosions. It was very impressive.

They also have dogs that are trained to identify and point out the mines. They have only lost 2 dogs and 3 men.

It was nice because the minefield was on a hill with a view of the city and the country. There was a large graveyard for Russian soldiers and the burial ground of the Afghani king who fought the British. A nice hike through a minefield on a sunny morning. Oh, the small pleasures life offers.

It took all morning so I've only the afternoon before the beginning of the weekend. Hopefully the nice weather will continue because it was very cold a few days ago.

10-27-1997 – Kabul, Afghanistan – (Eight) I went to sleep early around 8:30 pm. I heard the doorbell a few times. I thought maybe we had some friends visiting. A few minutes later, Emmanuel comes to my room with a box of cassette tapes and says that the Taliban are here and we must hide these so I should put my underwear over the cassettes. Then I get up and walk to the corridor and Ben is escorting 2 Taliban into all the rooms. I ask him if I should go downstairs and he says no so I cover myself with my blanket and they come into my room and look in my cabinets and leave.

I go downstairs and everyone is in the living room smoking and drinking coffee. I ask Ben why and he says just to intimidate us. They said that they were looking for some people. Ben calls and warns the other NGOs about the search. No one knows what to think. Ben says it is a local guy who likes to hassle ACF.

10-30-1997 – Kabul, Afghanistan – (Nine) I forgot to bring my lab coat to the office this morning. I asked the driver to stop by the guesthouse on the way to India Gandhi Hospital so I could get it. Dr. Latif and the driver waited outside in the car.

When I returned some armed Taliban had blocked the car in the driveway and were talking to Latif and the driver. I got in the car and waited. They asked me to get out to see if I was hiding something under my lab coat. I did and then they left. Latif said they thought I was an Afghan woman from the distance. I asked if they had aimed their guns at them. Latif said no. I asked if it was anything to be concerned about. Again, he said no. I decided to let it drop.

Later Ben came to my office and asked why I didn't tell him. The guards at the guesthouse had told him. I said that I didn't think it was a so important and that I didn't have a good concept of what was something to report about and that Latif didn't think it was a big deal.

11-3-1997 – Kabul, Afghanistan – (Ten) The work is getting more routine. The problems seem less impossible and more chronic. The hospital admissions are way down so things seem much more manageable.

I enjoy working with Dr. Latif and Dr. Ibrahim. I'm not sure how long I want to say here. Boredom is a major problem. I can't go for a walk or anything like that. The lack of freedom to come and go as you please is a bit overwhelming at times. I just don' know.

11-4-1997 – Kabul, Afghanistan – (Eleven) Another day, another day. Boredom is becoming a major problem. Besides working and eating and sleeping there is not much to do here. I should try to do some sort of exercise but I can't really think of what. Maybe sit-ups or crunches or something. I'd rather ride a bicycle. This is totally impossible outside of our compound, however.

On Fridays, I play some volleyball with the guards but that's about it. There is some kind of aerobics class at the UN Club but it conflicts with the time of our staff meeting twice a week and it is only held 3 times a week.

Ben said that the vice and virtuous Taliban have conceded that separation of sexes in the hospitals would be impossible. Supposedly 5 hospitals will now accept female patients. Also the staff will become co-ed again. We will see how this plays out in the hospitals.

I faxed Nadia a message that I was disappointed about not receiving any mail.

11-8-1997 – Kabul, Afghanistan – (Twelve) Well, I tried taking Dr. Latif to Maywand Hospital but about half way three rounds, the Taliban came and told him to leave. I was afraid that they might beat him so I followed them. They just talked. One of them was wearing sunglasses indoors. He looked kind of comical.

Yesterday was Friday - our day off. Vincent, Elodie, Marie and I went with some ex-pats from Solidority & AMI to the countryside and went on a walk to where there was a well being drilled. It was nice to get out and move my legs. I don't understand why we can' t walk around the city more or drive for that matter. I will ask Ben. One of the women from AMI said they walk around unaccompanied and they can drive within Kabul.

Dr. Latif is taking three days off starting today so it will be interesting to see what kind of work I can get done without his help.

11-9-1997 – Kabul, Afghanistan – (Thirteen) The nurses in the India Gandhi hospital are holing a mild strike because one of them has been transferred to another hospital. Actually it is 10 transferred but one from our ward. They said that it was the first step to make the hospital all female staff. The nurses came to the hospital but did not work. I told Mr. Zia, the head nurse in our ward, that I was afraid they would be beaten or worse. He said they have been beaten before and he was not afraid. It is the first time that I have seen any sign of protest.

I am feeling more upbeat and willing to work here longer. I will see what tomorrow will bring. I will try to write some letters now.

11-17-1997 – Kabul, Afghanistan – (Fourteen) It is hard to believe that I have been away from San Francisco for more than 8 weeks now. I don't really feel homesick, but I am beginning to feel tired of the situation here.

It is getting cold.

I want to reward good work in the hospitals with anything. It can be money but since we are philosophically opposed to giving any more money to government employees, I would agree to give books, lab coats, calculators, bicycles: something to reward good work. She [Monique] refuses. However, she decided without consulting with me to give double incentives to the doctors at Maywand. So, I think if I am persistent she will agree. If not, I will leave because this is pure bullshit. She thinks people should just work.

Anyhow, I told Dr. Latif about how I felt. I will discuss it further with him tomorrow. If I don't get some decision making power, I am out of here and Monique can see just show how well she can do on her own.

A few days ago, 4 Americans were killed in Karachi, Pakistan. Jean Francois called from NYC to make sure I was all right and to tell me to avoid going to Pakistan for a while. Apparently, George had called office to check up on me.

11-20-1997 – Kabul, Afghanistan – (Fifteen) Well, I'm feeling a little more upbeat about the work here.

The doctors at Maywand made me lunch and bought me a present and handmade teapot holder. They are very nice.

I need to decide how long to stay here. We will see.

11-25-1997 – Kabul, Afghanistan – (Sixteen) I found out that I am to take part in a nutritional survey in a town called Logar. It was just announced at the staff meeting today that all woman expats would participate. No discussion or asking us. I was shocked actually. Apparently UNICEF is giving a lot of money to get this done this month.

I have no idea how safe this place is and if there will be any security measures.

We (me & Latif) started to do the statistics for the hospitals today. We began with Attaturk and Maywand. So far everything looks pretty good. Only 3 deaths in those two hospitals. Many more cured and fewer defaulters.

11-28-1997 – Kabul, Afghanistan – (Seventeen) The Taliban tortured one of the drivers two days ago. They took his car and asked him to give them a gun and a radio. They didn't have either so they shocked him with an electrical wire and put him in jail. He came to us yesterday and I talked him into speaking to Ben about it.

I did a physical exam with Dr. Ibrahim and wrote it up. Then I asked Ben what he will do. He said that he went to the Taliban and they have a different story and he didn't think the driver was telling him a true story. I said I thought that was irrelevant.

The important thing is that torture is not an acceptable way of disciplining anyone and is against basic human rights principal. We have a duty to protect our workers. Ben said he will talk to Paris about it; apparently the Paris desk office will come in a few days. I told Dr. Paticia from MDM. She said I should talk to their chief of mission. Maybe I will if Ben does nothing.

Yesterday was Thanksgiving and Elaine's birthday. No turkey this year. I guess not last year either since I was in Mexico, nor the year before, since I was in Angola. Wait a second; they did fly a turkey in for us in Angola.

12-12-1997 – Kabul, Afghanistan – (Eighteen) I feel like I may be coming down with the flu. It is snowing and wet and I want to get the hell out of here now. Just a few more days I tell myself.

I am thinking that I may not actually be physically sick but depressed. I find myself behaving exactly as Marie Lorde seemed to before she left. I'm tired. I want to sleep and spend a lot of time in my room alone doing nothing. The thought of cleaning up my room seems a bit overwhelming.

I packed one suitcase full of clothing. I hope I don't wind up schlepping a whole lot of stuff. There is a rumor that the Tabliban will confiscate all music equipment and tapes before the flight out of Kabul.

In another incident, an ACF driver was taken to jail and tortured while on the job. I physically examined the man and gave Ben a written testimony of my findings. Although I asked multiple times, he never comminuted on what he would do except that he would speak to Thomas Gonnet when he got here. I think immediate action in the case of human rights violations is necessary.

On a more positive note, if ACF wants to restructure some of its Afghan programs, I think we could make some real improvements. Fortunately, Afghani doctors and nurses are well trained and could do many of the work themselves. My assistant, Dr. Latif is fully capable of managing the hospitals without an ex pats supervision. He cannot go to one hospital (Maywand) because of the segregation policy. A woman MD could be employed for this or we could put pressure to allow desegregation, as its impact is very negative on the quality of medical care.

My last day was sad. I said goodbye to Dr. Latif and Dr. Ibrahim and Vincent, Emma and Karen.

I got up at 5 AM and faxed New York. Then I went to the office of Solidanly and shared a cab to the border of Pakistan. It was a long drive. Hakim the logistician came to pick us up (me and a guy from Solidanity). We also came with an older Afghan man and his wife.

I took a pee break and dropped my passport on the ground. The wife noticed it. Then I lost an earring and she found it. Although she spoke no English, she had helped me out a lot.

Her husband told me that she was very psychologically disturbed since their 19-year-old son was killed at war 5 years ago. She can't sleep more than an hour at night. Did I have any recommendations as a doctor for what she could do? I felt impotent. The couple was so kind to me and so nice. The man invited me to dinner in Peshawar and bought me lunch. He was so proud of his wife's eyesight when she found my passport and my earring.

At the border, Hakim brought a small car that couldn't fit the old couple. We had to leave them to take a bus to Peshawar since we ex pats had to be escorted by an armed Pakistani army person. Five people and luggage in a compact. I felt more guilty.

The old man had done a lot of work in various fishery hatcheries and livestock husbandry. He had been to Japan and India to work and study in his youth. He had raised trout in a Chinese project near Jalalabad. He was so proud yet humble at the same time. He talked of when they were a rich nation and how beautiful the area had been along the road to the border. Lots of tourists would come from Kabul. I should learn from him how to tolerate life. Mine is not so bad. He has had far more tragedy seeing his country destroyed, his son die, his wife be depressed. Yet he is kind, friendly and generous towards me, a stranger. I can't remember his name, but I will try to remember him and his wife when I feel sorry for myself. I will try to be like them. I think his name was Mr. Husti or something like that. They were going to Peshawar to visit their son who makes shoes. He made a pair for the ex pat from Solidanty.

It just occurred to me that I should have paid for a taxi for the old couple. It probably would have cost me 10 or 20 dollars. They had done so much for me a stranger and I so little for them. I was too self absorbed in my own troubles to be kind. I missed an opportunity to be a decent person; without my passport I would have been in deep shit. Next time, God give me a next chance please.

I want to write about Dr. Latif, but I am feeling tired so I will just remind myself now of his wisdom about two things—how insignificant we all are and our troubles and how to get power by not showing your opponents how you feel. I will miss him dearly. He was a true friend and companion to me. I would have been miserable without him. I am sure and now I will never see him again. I will write him, I promise myself this.

My dear Dr. Latif. How I will miss your smile and your even temper. Your wisdom. Although you are only 27 years old and have never lived outside of Afghanistan, you are far wiser than I at 37, the world traveler.

He told me whenever I get nervous about my problems to think about how small, like a speck of dust we all are. The world keeps moving round no matter how large our individual problems are.

He also told me to keep a neutral face, not to show my emotions so easily. Only with those I trust. He said he is always friendly to everyone: Taliban, beggar, assholes, etc. It is a survival technique and a way to gain power against an oppressor. Although ACF is hardly the Taliban, I got his point. It is incredibly hard for me not to show my emotions. A neutral friendly stance is probably the best. Don't let them know what you think… |